


you know, i would just stay still

by somehowunbroken



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Fluff, Goalie Nesting (Hockey RPF), Goalies Are Weird, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-08 18:41:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18629041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somehowunbroken/pseuds/somehowunbroken
Summary: "So basically you're telling me that I'm going to have to, like, cuddle him better," Colin says. He can hear the doubt in his own voice, but, well. That sounds kind of like bullshit, no matter what his mom had always said about the power of love.Or: they clinch, and then things get... a little weird. Goalies, man.





	you know, i would just stay still

**Author's Note:**

> -goalie! nesting! fic!!!!
> 
> -written for prompt together 2019: "Goalies are weird, man."
> 
> -eternal thanks to binchmarner, ZombieCreatures, and theshipstorulethemall for reading this through <3 <3
> 
> -the title is so many layers of self-indulgent, y'all. it's from a song called "[colorado](https://open.spotify.com/album/6Oz4E5hDYcLrxuxLxWB5Vw)" by daniel rodriguez, and the artist is someone i found because colin wilson posted about him on insta, and it's about going home to colorado after travelling away from it, and the full line is "if distance never ever made my heart grow fonder/you know, i would just stay still." basically i'm all up in my own feelings about this, and i had to use it here.

It's a stress thing, everyone says. It's like a release valve, a way to quickly let off steam when there's too much of it and not enough time. It all makes sense in theory, in the vague, practical, almost clinical terms that coaches have used to explain it since Colin was in bantam.

It makes a lot less sense when Grubi gets back into the locker room after they clinch the playoffs and sits silently in his stall without taking off a single piece of his equipment.

"The man of the night," Nate crows, pointing at Grubi with two finger guns. "The man of the _season_!"

The room erupts into cheers, which is normal. Grubi doesn't move, like he hadn't even heard, which is… decidedly not.

"Uh," EJ says, frowning and taking a step closer. "Hey, man, what's—"

"Oh, fuck," Gabe says suddenly, stepping between EJ and Grubi. He's got both hands up and out in front of him like he's soothing a wild animal. His voice is calm, though, that kind of syrupy-sweet thing that Colin associates with talking to babies. "Somebody go get Socks. Now, and hurry, but don't run, okay?"

"Oh, shit," someone says from the other side of the room. It's one of the young guys, but Colin's not paying close enough attention to figure out which one, because he's watching as Grubi tilts his head up slowly to look at Gabe. He seems to consider Gabe for a long moment, then tilts his head back down just as slowly and returns to his previous pose, eyes darting around the locker room like he's scanning for something, but he's not quite sure what it is.

"Hey, Grubi," EJ says, and that's _definitely_ his talking-to-horses voice. "Hey, buddy. What do you need, huh? What's gonna make this better?"

Grubi does the same thing, looking slowly at EJ and then slowly away, and Colin wonders if the whole team is gonna get that treatment, but then Sokolowski, their head athletic trainer, comes walking in, pace steady without being too fast. He walks right up to Grubi and leans down, looking at his face through the mask he still hasn't taken off, and then stands and sighs.

"Well," Socks says, surveying the room. "It's a good thing we clinched tonight, because our startling goalie is nesting for the next little while."

-0-

Colin's never actually been around a nesting goalie before. It's not incredibly common, for one, and for another, it tends to happen away from the rink, from what he's heard, a stress reaction that happens when the person gets home and takes a deep breath and starts to unwind. It's not unheard of for it to happen right after a game, but it's kind of weird, at least from what Colin's trying not to overhear Josty and Comphs muttering to each other.

"He's not dangerous to anyone on the team," Socks reassures them. "He's gonna prefer one of you above the rest of you, and we'll figure out who that is while the rest of you guys shower, but you're not in any danger from him."

Colin frowns. "How are you gonna figure it out?"

Socks opens his mouth like he's gonna reply, but Nate clears his throat. "Uh," he says.

"What?" Colin asks, turning to look at Nate.

"Uh," Nate says, waving vaguely in Grubi's direction. Colin turns back around and jumps a little, because Grubi is _right_ there, standing in front of him. He's looking intently at Colin, and Colin doesn't dare do more than blink as Grubi leans down slowly.

"Hey," Colin says, not really moving. "What's... going on, man?"

Grubi smiles at him from beneath his mask, big and bright, and drops into a crouch in front of Colin.

Socks coughs. "Well," he says. "I guess we figured out who his person is. Wilson, go shower as quickly as you can; we need to talk."

"Can I get up?" Colin asks. he's still looking at Grubi, who's smiling at him delightedly, still crouching in front of him.

"He's not a danger to you or anyone else on the team," Socks says again. "Actually, he's even less of a danger to you, since—"

"No, like," Colin cuts in. He hesitates, then reaches out and lays his hand on Grubi's shoulder, because he's a team player and all that jazz, and he wants to do whatever's going to make Grubi the happiest in this situation. "Is he gonna be okay? If I leave?"

"You need to shower," Socks says, all practicality.

"That's not an answer," Colin says evenly. He's been in the league for long enough to know that this is a boundary worth pushing. "Everyone else can shower, you can talk to me, and then Grubi and I can shower."

Socks sighs. "Wilson—"

"Is there any reason not to?" Gabe asks, talking a step towards Colin. "Like, other than your preference, is there a reason that can't work?"

"No," Socks says, sighing heavily. "It can work."

"Okay," Gabe says, clapping his hands and looking around. "Shower time. Let's give Willy a little privacy."

"Privacy," Colin echoes, looking from Gabe to Socks to Grubi. Something funny happens in his stomach as he looks back at Socks. "Why do we need privacy?"

Socks glances around. The rest of the guys are stripping out of their gear quicker than Colin's used to seeing them do it; they're listening to Gabe, for once, and Colin suddenly wonders what they know that he doesn't. "Let's go to my office," he says. "He'll probably follow you, so don't protest about leaving him behind or anything."

"He's right here," Colin protests as he stands. Grubi stands with him, still smiling.

"He's not hearing a word anyone here is saying," Socks says. "I'm not trying to be rude, Wilson, I promise. It's just that his instincts are totally in charge here. Think of it like him being really deeply asleep, except for how he's able to move around."

"Uh," Colin says. He glances at Grubi. Still smiling; definitely not asleep. "Sure, we can go with that, I guess."

"Come on," Socks says, heading for the doorway.

Colin hesitates; okay, sure, maybe Grubi doesn't understand him right now, but Colin's still gonna treat him like a person. "Okay, let's go with Socks," he says. Grubi doesn't respond, so Colin reaches out and takes his hand. Grubi curls his fingers around Colin's with no question, and when Colin starts walking, Grubi follows.

"So," Socks says when they're all nestled in his office. Grubi hasn't let go of Colin's hand, and Colin's just gonna let him… go with that. "You're pretty much stuck with him until this whole thing wears off. Could be a few days, could be a week, could be longer. My guess is that he'll be back in time to start the playoffs, whoever we end up facing, but that's very much a guess."

"Okay," Colin says. "So what do I do? What does he need?"

"To stick by you, mostly," Socks says, shrugging slightly. "He's gonna make a nest, and he's gonna want you two to stay in it. He might get a little insistent about you staying in sight of him. As long as you don't try to leave him behind when you go do something, it should be like having a really big dog for a few days. You feed him, you let him sleep in the bedroom, you make sure he gets a little exercise, and he'll be back to normal."

Colin frowns. "I thought goalies nested in, like, their nets."

"Nah, not really," Socks says. "It's happened before, but that's mostly a rumour they spread around in kids' leagues. His nest is way more likely to be in whatever bed you put him in. Give him a bunch of blankets and pillows, and he'll cocoon you in there with him."

"So basically you're telling me that I'm going to have to, like, cuddle him better," Colin says. He can hear the doubt in his own voice, but, well. That sounds kind of like bullshit, no matter what his mom had always said about the power of love. "Why me?"

Socks shakes his head. "I have no idea, and he might know when he snaps out of it or he might not," he says. "As near as we can figure, it has something to do with how comfortable he is with you, or how friendly you are."

Colin frowns. "I mean, I try to be friendly with everyone, but I didn't think we were super close."

"He trusts you," Socks says, motioning towards where Grubi still hasn't let go of Colin's hand. "He needs someone to take care of him, and on some level, he knows you can be that person. It could be as simple as that, honestly."

"Okay," Colin says slowly. It's actually kind of sweet, if he thinks about it. "Well, I guess better me than, like, one of the kids. Josty would probably try to cook for him and end up poisoning him or something."

"That's the spirit," Socks says, chuckling. "If you don't have any other questions, Wilson, I'd suggest you shower and head home. It'll probably take some adjusting before you're both comfortable, and you just played a full game."

"Yeah," Colin agrees. he stands, hand still tangled with Grubi's, and isn't surprised at all when Grubi stands with him.

-0-

"Okay, so," Colin says. The shower had been a little odd but not impossible, and the drive back to Colin's place had only worked because Colin had finally given in and taken mostly surface roads instead of the highway, which took forever but made it possible to drive one-handed so Grubi could hold the other. They're in the living room now, and this is kind of where Colin's plan turns into a big question mark. "Are you… hungry? Do you eat after games? I usually don't, but I know some guys do. I can make a sandwich?"

Grubi just smiles at him and squeezes his hand. At this point, Colin's not sure if he's ever going to get his hand back.

"Right," Colin says. "I'll make a sandwich, and if you don't eat it, I'll just put it in a baggie for tomorrow."

It's a little difficult to make a sandwich one-handed, but Colin manages, and when he pushes the plate over in front of Grubi, it gets an interested little noise out of him. Colin's hand is suddenly freed as Grubi picks up the sandwich and takes a huge bite.

"Great, good," Colin says, smiling as Grubi goes for it. He gets a glass of water, too, because there's no need for Grubi to get dehydrated, and then he makes himself a sandwich; just because he normally doesn't is no reason to let Grubi have all the fun and nutrition. Grubi watches him carefully as he eats, eyes tracking every movement Colin makes; it's probably a nesting thing, sure, but it's also a goalie thing, making sure he knows where everything is so he knows how to react. It makes something in Colin's chest turn a little painfully, so he makes sure he drinks an extra glass of water. It might not help, but it's not gonna hurt.

"Okay," Colin says when he's rinsed their dishes and put them in the dishwasher. "So I have a guest room, but I'm guessing that's not gonna work. I should probably change the sheets on my bed before we sleep in it, though, so I guess we'll head down the hall and you can chill while I do that."

Grubi hums a little, stepping closer to Colin. He blinks twice, then slowly reaches his hand out, gently touching the back of Colin's hand.

"Oh, right," Colin says, smiling as he takes Grubi's hand. "This is kind of cute, buddy, I'm not gonna lie to you."

Grubi smiles at him widely, and when Colin starts walking towards his bedroom, Grubi follows patiently behind him.

"Okay," Colin says when they enter his room. The bed's kind of a mess; Colin does his best to keep up with everything, but he doesn't really see the point in making his bed in the morning, so it's the one thing he lets slide. He bites his tongue so he doesn't apologise for it; he doubts Grubi would care on a normal day, and he's definitely not gonna judge Colin for his messy bedroom habits in his current state. "Well, I guess I'll just—"

Grubi lets go of Colin's hand and walks over to the bed, and before Colin can do anything about it, he flops down onto it and rolls to the centre.

"Uh," Colin says, blinking a little. "Buddy?"

Grubi responds with a happy-sounding noise, shoving both arms beneath a pillow as he buries his face in it. He makes the noise again, muffled by the pillow, and then turns his face a little so he's peeking up at Colin, smile spread wide across his face.

"Right," Colin says, laughing. "Okay, well, I guess we're not changing the sheets. We'll deal with it, huh?"

Grubi glances down at the bed, then wiggles back maybe half a foot before looking back up at Colin. It's as clear an invitation as he's probably gonna get right now, but Colin shakes his head. "I need to brush my teeth," he says. "And so do you, c'mon."

It works about as well as Colin thought it would, which is to say that Grubi blinks at him a few times but doesn't move otherwise. Colin frowns, sitting on the side of the bed, and then mentally shrugs as he reaches his hand out. It's worked so far, so he's mostly pleased with figuring it out when Grubi grabs his hand. Colin leans back and tugs, and Grubi whines a little but follows Colin as he stands and walks into the bathroom.

Luckily, he remembers what toothbrushes are for; they both brush their teeth, and then Grubi leans over the sink and splashes water on his face. He reaches to the side, patting around like he's looking for a towel; his bathroom is clearly set up very differently from Colin's, because he turns his head a little more and blinks up at Colin, water dripping from his face.

Colin laughs and grabs a hand towel. "Here," he offers, holding it out and grinning when Grubi takes it and pats his face dry. "Okay. We need to change out of our suits, and then we can crash, okay?"

He's careful to hold onto Grubi's hand gently as they walk into the bedroom so he can't just bolt for the bed again; it makes getting pajamas a little awkward, but he manages it, and once again Grubi seems to know what's going on. He drops his suit on the floor, which makes Colin wince, but he gets into Colin's sweats and tee without needing help, so that's a net win, probably.

"Okay," Colin says, spreading his hands. "I'm ready for sleep if you are, buddy."

Grubi takes a step backwards, then reaches out and leads Colin towards the bed. He crawls into the centre again, then turns.

"Yeah, I'm coming," Colin says, sitting on the bed. "Are we gonna end up cuddling? I feel like we're gonna end up cuddling, so asking you to move over is probably a moot point, but also—"

Grubi reaches out and grabs Colin's wrist, yanking sharply. Colin lets out a surprised breath as he hits the mattress, but Grubi is making a breathy noise that's possibly a laugh as he tugs Colin into his side, and Colin grins. He lets Grubi do his thing, then sits up quickly to yank the blankets up. The lamp on his bedstand is still on, and he leans over to shut it off before setting back into the bed.

Grubi shuffles them around a little more under the blankets, and they finally settle with his head on Colin's chest, right over his heart. He lets out a gusty sigh, then closes his eyes, and—

Well, Colin decides. This isn't how he expected his night to go, not at all, but he's here now, so he's gonna roll with it and see how it goes. It's kind of his whole thing at this point.

 _He trusts you,_ he hears Socks say in his head, and that's definitely enough for Colin to work with.

-0-

"What," Colin says. He blinks a few times, then squints; it's dark in his bedroom, the middle of the night still, but something's moving around. Colin leans over and flips the lamp on, and Grubi freezes in the middle of the room, looking almost guiltily at Colin, hands clutching something in front of him.

"Uh, buddy," Colin says, clearing his throat. "Is that… is that a towel?"

Grubi smiles at him hesitantly, then shuffles forward. He drops the towel on the end of the bed, and Colin tracks the movement with his eyes. He can feel them widen as he catches sight of the bed: the blankets are still there, but so are what looks like the contents of the hamper, at least two suit jackets, and now the towel out of the bathroom, all carefully arranged like a giant cloth wall between the edge of the bed and the window.

"Right," Colin says, pushing himself up. "A nest. Socks did say you'd want, like, blankets and stuff."

Grubi pats the towel and wanders back towards the bathroom, and Colin glances at the clock. Three in the morning is no time to be awake, but he has the feeling that helping Grubi is the quickest way for both of them to get some rest, so he pushes the blankets down and swings his legs over the side of the bed.

There's a wild-sounding noise from the direction of the bathroom, and Colin looks over only to find Grubi rushing towards him, both hands out, another towel discarded on the floor. "What," Colin starts, but Grubi drops to a crouch at the side of the bed, gently lifting Colin's legs and swinging them back up onto the bed. Colin falls backwards as he goes, catching himself on his elbows. "Uh."

Grubi looks up at him, patting Colin's ankle deliberately before standing back up.

"Grubi," Colin says, blinking up at him. "You want more blankets, right? More stuff for the nest, maybe some nice fluffy pillows? I need to get to the linen closet, buddy."

Grubi doesn't pay him any mind as he turns and heads back towards the bathroom.

"Philipp," Colin tries.

The effect is instantaneous; Grubi stops walking, turning almost cautiously back towards Colin. He makes a low noise but doesn't move past that, standing there staring at Colin.

"Hey, Philipp," Colin says again, moving his legs slowly back over the side of the bed. He debates standing, but instead reaches his hand out. "I want to help, okay? Let me help you make the nest better, and then we can both sleep, okay?"

Grubi—or, well, Philipp, since that's apparently getting through better—steps towards Colin and reaches out, taking Colin's hand. He looks a little wary as Colin stands up, but Colin squeezes his hand and smiles encouragingly, and Philipp smiles back at him.

"Let's get more blankets and stuff," Colin says, leading him into the hallway. "We can pull everything off the spare bed, and then we can grab stuff out of the linen closet. My mom bought me two different towel sets for Christmas last year, so there are a lot to choose from. They're nice; one's tan, and the other one is white and blue stripes."

He walks as he talks, mostly so they're not creeping silently through his apartment in the middle of the night. Philipp follows him without making much noise himself, which is honestly fine by Colin; this whole thing is more than a little bizarre, but it's also honestly kind of funny, and it's probably better that Philipp isn't making noises or anything. It would make Colin laugh, and he has the feeling that would set Philipp off, and it's way too late at night for that.

"Okay," Colin says, pushing the door to the guest room open. "Let's go shopping, eh? Whatever you want from this bed can come into the other bed with us."

When Colin tries to step in, though, Philipp actually whines and holds his hand more tightly. Colin looks back at him, and he's staring at the bed, frown etched into his face.

"It's," Colin says, kind of at a loss. "Do you not want pillows? I thought you'd want pillows."

Philipp whines and looks back over his shoulder, back down the hallway to where the light is spilling out of Colin's bedroom, and it clicks.

"Oh," Colin says, smiling. He's already holding Philipp's hand, so he reaches out with his other to gently turn Philipp's face back towards him. "No, hey, no. You don't have to sleep in here. I just want to make you more comfortable, okay? Here, look."

Philipp whines again when Colin steps back, untangling their hands, but Colin quickly goes and grabs two pillows from the bed. There are, frankly, way too many pillows there, but it might actually come in handy tonight. He passes one of the pillows to Philipp, then takes his free hand and walks them back down into the bedroom. Philipp watches as Colin lays the pillow in the bed, then gestures at it, and his face light with sudden understanding as he lays the other pillow down.

"There's more," Colin says, stepping backwards and gesturing at the door. "Do you want to get—"

Philipp throws his arms around Colin's shoulders and rocks them back and forth a little, making a happy rumbling sound somewhere deep in his chest, before letting him go and ambling back down the hallway.

Colin grins for a moment, standing alone in his bedroom, before following. He can help Philipp get whatever he needs to make the bed feel right, and then they can go back to sleep. They'll probably both be a little tired in the morning, but that's par for the course this late in the season anyway, and Colin's willing to bet he'll get a little bit of a pass since he's the one helping Philipp through this whole nesting thing.

Honestly, Colin thinks as he walks into the spare bedroom to find Philipp's arms overflowing with bedding, he can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want this.

-0-

Practice was probably always going to be light; they just clinched the playoffs, and sure, they could possibly overtake Dallas for the chance to play the Jets instead of the Flames, but Colin privately thinks of the last game of the season as a throwaway. Bednar doesn't push them hard, so he might be thinking the same thing, and it's nice to just skate around with the guys while Philipp gets checked out by the medical staff.

"So how'd it go?" Gabe asks as things are wrapping up, reaching over the boards for a water bottle. He squirts some into his mouth, then offers it to Colin, who has by now learned how to mostly gracefully decline the whole shared water bottle experience. "Have any problems last night?"

Colin laughs. "Well, I woke up in the middle of the night to find a whole bunch of dirty laundry in the bed with me, and then we added about ten more blankets and all the pillows in the house," he says. "It was fine, though. No problems at all."

Gabe shakes his head with a grin. "Goalies are weird, man," he says. "Dirty laundry? Really?"

"Hey now," Colin protests. "It's some kind of instinct thing. He was making a nest, and then he was putting himself between me and the edge. It was kind of sweet, honestly"

Gabe raises an eyebrow at him. "You're kind of weird, too," he says. "I keep forgetting that."

"Oh, fuck you," Colin says, laughing. "I'm fine, Philipp is fine, everything's fine with us and my dirty laundry. Go away."

"What?" EJ calls loudly. "You have dirty laundry? With _Grubi_?"

Colin sighs. "Your face is dirty laundry," he calls back.

Most of the guys respond, chirping at him or at EJ, and Colin grins as he skates off the ice. He can get a quick shower here if Philipp is still occupied with the medical staff, and then they can head for the plane together.

Gabe grabs him as he's stripping out of his gear, though. "Seriously, though," he starts, and this is the captain asking a question, not just Colin's friend Gabe. "Everything's okay?"

"Everything's fine," Colin assures him. "He's a friendly guy, and I'm not gonna say no if someone asks for a hug. We're all good."

"You know you're gonna have to room with him in San Jose, right?" Gabe asks.

"I figured," Colin says, shrugging. "Socks was pretty clear about us staying in sight of each other. We'll be fine, Gabe."

"If anything changes," Gabe starts.

"You'll be the third to know," Colin promises seriously, biting his cheek to keep from laughing when Gabe squawks. "Socks, then Coach, then you. Even before Brutes, how's that?"

"Traitor!" Tyson calls, clearly catching his name and not much else. "You wound me, Willy. I thought we had something special."

"Sorry, I have a goalie now," Colin says, shrugging. He grins when Tyson laughs. he turns back to Gabe. "I'll keep you in the loop, okay?"

"Okay," Gabe says. "Thanks, Willy."

"No problem," Colin says easily.

Gabe steps away and Colin sheds the rest of his gear quickly before ducking into the shower. He gets clean as quickly as he can, then dresses in his suit before heading into the depths of the arena to look for Philipp.

He doesn't have to go far; Colin turns two corners, and then he hears the happy sound he's already learned to associate with Philipp. He has enough time to brace himself, and then Philipp is wrapping him in a hug, tucking his face into Colin's neck. It's the same kind of hug he'd given Colin when they'd separated before practice, so at least Colin mostly knew what to expect.

"Hey," Colin says, hugging back. "You good? How was your morning?"

"He's fine," Socks says, stepping out of his office a little way down the hall. He raises an eyebrow at the sight. "I'd ask if we were right about him choosing you, but I see that's not necessary."

"Yeah, we're good," Colin says, laughing a little. He pulls gently out of Philipp's hug, but reaches quickly for his hand. "He's all good to fly? No issues?"

"No issues," Socks confirms. "He's still not back to normal, obviously, but he seems pretty with it for how early in the nest he is."

"Yeah," Colin confirms. "He's been responding to his name, so I've been trying to use it."

"Oh, that's interesting," Socks says, tilting his head. "Really? He responds?"

Colin nods. "Philipp and I have been bonding," he says, and Philipp makes the happy noise.

"Interesting," Socks repeats. "And you said you guys aren't really close?"

"Not really," Colin says, frowning a little. "Why?"

Socks shrugs. "I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not the norm," he says. "I mean, Philipp is a friendly guy, so I wasn't expecting him to be incredibly aggressive. I wasn't expecting the extra, uh…"

"What?" Colin asks when Socks trails off.

"Well, he's being pretty affectionate," Socks says. "Which is normal, but this is even more affectionate than what I've seen before. And nesting goalies don't tend to really grasp much of what's going on outside of staying close to whoever they bond with, so him responding to his name when you use it is… odd. Not bad, just unusual."

Colin squeezes Philipp's hand. "Not bad, you said."

"He didn't respond at all when I used it, either," Socks adds. "If I was going to venture a guess, I'd say that this is a good thing. Just keep doing whatever it is you're doing, and hopefully he'll be back to normal soon."

"Sure, yeah," Colin says. "We're gonna go grab our stuff, and then we're heading for the plane. We'll check in with you before the game tomorrow unless something happens."

"Sounds good to me," Socks says. "Have a good flight."

Colin waves with his free hand, then turns to Philipp. "Ready to fly?"

Philipp hums and smiles, squeezing Colin's hand, and that's a good enough answer.

-0-

It's not that Colin's afraid of flying; he does way too much of it to still actually feel the swoop of fear in his stomach that he used to feel at takeoff. He still doesn't love it, though, and it's certainly not a secret on the team. It's why he sits next to Nietsy, usually, because Nietsy is the kind of guy who doesn't mind if Colin squeezes both armrests when they're going up or coming down, and he'll give Colin space or pat him on the back if he needs it.

He's not sure why, honestly, but it doesn't occur to Colin until he's walking up the stairs onto the plane that his normal flying routine is going to have to change this time. He hopes Philipp doesn't see the way he tenses as he ducks into the plane, or at least hopes that it's something that his nesting brain writes off. He very much doubts that making your goalie feel bad about something helps with the whole nesting recovery thing.

Philipp grabs Colin's hand when they're both successfully on the plane; it's a little awkward, since it's not wide enough for them to walk side by side, but Colin twists a little and tries to give Philipp a reassuring smile. "Hey, buddy," he says. "I guess we're switching it up, huh? Am I gonna have to fight Calvy for the honour?"

"You can have him," Calvy calls from a few rows down. "I'm taking Nietsy and you're not getting him back. Matts for life."

Someone groans from the back of the plane. "This is what we've been trying to avoid! They're gonna gang up on us!"

"And do what?" Kerf shouts back, and it sounds like the well-worn kind of argument that only roommates can develop; Colin's betting it was Josty, then. He grins as he walks to where he and Nietsy normally sit, then hesitates, turning back to Philipp as Kerf and Josty shout across the plane about Matt-centric conspiracy theories.

"Do you want the window or the aisle?" he asks, pointing to each seat. He's not sure where Philipp normally sits, and even if Colin prefers the window seat, he'll go with whatever Philipp decides here.

Philipp makes a considering noise, then drops their joined hands and gently pushes at Colin's shoulder. It's not hard to take the hint, so Colin slides into the row, gratefully sinking into the seat. Philipp follows a moment later, sitting beside Colin and looking at him intently.

"What's up?" Colin asks, trying to keep his voice down. He doesn't think anything's wrong, but that doesn't mean their teammates won't try to get involved if they think something interesting is happening.

Philipp stares for a moment longer, then looks down and carefully reaches over to take Colin's hand again. He squeezes it lightly, then looks back up at Colin, smiling at him.

"Oh," Colin says, laughing. "Buddy, I'm—it's okay. We can hold hands whenever you want."

Philipp makes a noise that Colin hasn't heard yet; it's not the happy one, and it's not the one he'd made in the hallway when he thought Colin was dumping him in the spare room, either. It sounds almost frustrated, maybe, though Colin might be thinking that because of the way Philipp's frowning at him. He lifts their clasped hands, looking at them intently, before moving them so their hands are resting on his thigh instead of on Colin's.

"I'm not, uh," Colin says. It's honestly the first time he's felt like he's at a loss since this whole thing started. "I don't know what you're getting at, Philipp."

"I get it," someone says, and Colin looks up to find Mikko grinning at them from the other side of the aisle. "You hate flying. He's hold your hand to make you feel better."

Philipp makes the happy noise, turning to beam at Mikko.

Colin laughs. "Oh," he says. "Well, that's—I'll manage, buddy. You don't have to—"

Phillip makes the frustrated noise again and bounces their hands against his thigh.

"Or you can," Colin says, squeezing his hand. "Okay. Thank you."

He smiles at Philipp, and Philipp smiles back at him. It's touching, honestly, that it's something Philipp remembers through the whole nesting brain thing; Colin used to hold hands with Pekka, back before he came to Colorado, and it's not something he needs but it honestly is something he prefers. It's kind of a weird thing to ask for, though, so he's been flying without it for years now, but this is… this is nice, Colin thinks as Philipp smiles and holds his hand.

The pilot comes over the speakers to tell them the usual pre-flight stuff about safety and flight time and whatever, and Colin closes his eyes and leans his head back against the headrest. It's grounding, holding Philipp's hand, but that doesn't mean he's suddenly going to love taking off, and the best way to deal with it is to ignore it as fully as he can, usually.

Philipp makes a noise, and Colin opens his eyes and turns his head to watch as Philipp reaches across himself to fiddle with the arm rest. He's putting it up, Colin realises after a second, which would be easier if he'd let go of Colin's hand to do it, but it doesn't look like the thought even occurs to him as he jabs at the button. He manages it before Colin can offer to help, and then he turns a little bit, letting go of Colin's hand to throw his arm across his shoulders. He tugs a little, and Colin's too surprised to stop himself from falling into Philipp's chest. Philipp hums as he wriggles in his seat, arranging them to his liking or something, and then he hums again and leans his head against Colin's.

"Uh," Colin manages.

Mikko is definitely laughing at them. "I'm taking photo," he announces. "Gotta show Grubi later."

"If you use this to embarrass him, I will end you," Colin says without moving. "Don't try me, Rantanen. We can replace your scoring."

"No, I use it to embarrass _you_ ," Mikko says brightly, snapping at least three photos before sitting back down. "I don't want to piss off goalie. You think I have death wish?"

Colin rolls his eyes, but the plane starts moving before he can reply. He knows he tenses, but Philipp tightens his arm around Colin's shoulders and starts humming quietly, a simple two-note pattern that doesn't take long for Colin to pick up. It's easy to focus on, easy to hum along with, and Colin concentrates on matching Philipp's little humming pattern through the entire takeoff process.

Philipp stops once the pilot comes back over the speakers to let them know that they're at cruising altitude. He taps Colin's shoulder gently and picks his head up, and when Colin does the same, Philipp pulls his arm back and reaches out for Colin's hand.

"Thank you," Colin says quietly, squeezing Philipp's hand. He really hopes he can get through to Philipp right now; he's honestly not sure how much of any of what's going on Philipp is really in tune with. "That was… that was really nice."

Philipp smiles at him and squeezes Colin's hand, and it's… yeah. It's still nice.

-0-

They have an evening in San Jose before they have to get ready for the Sharks game, and Colin's honestly glad. He's mostly over his travel-related stress by the time they get to the hotel, but it's always better to have a little extra time. It's kind of weird to stay back at the hotel and eat room service with Philipp instead of going out with the guys for a team meal before the last game, but Colin thinks about all of the people they'd have to encounter, all the possibilities that news could get out about Philipp, and when Socks suggests that they stay back Colin quickly agrees. 

"Okay, Philipp," Colin says after they've eaten. "You need to shower, and then I do, and then we can make your nest and get some sleep, okay? I'll call down to the front desk and ask them for extra bedding while you get clean."

Philipp tilts his head and doesn't give any indication that he understood a word of that.

Colin sighs. "Okay, buddy, c'mon," he says, standing up from the bed and holding out his hand. Philipp takes it and stands with him, and Colin leads him into the bathroom. He turns the water on in the shower, then turns back to Philipp. "You have to shower," he says, pointing at Philipp and then at the shower.

Philipp frowns and looks down at their joined hands, then looks up and pushes Colin's shoulder lightly, like he had on the plane.

"I don't think we should shower together, no," Colin says. "If we have to, we will, but you remembered how to brush your teeth, so I'm betting you remember how to shower, too." He doesn't really think Philipp understands the words, but he disentangles their hands and points at Philipp and the shower again.

He gets the frustrated sound again, but Philipp starts getting undressed, so clearly something had worked. Colin claps him on the shoulder before heading back into the bedroom, ducking back in to put a set of pajamas on the counter and then leaving the door cracked open just in case. He's not expecting a disaster, but that doesn't mean he can't prepare for a little bit of one anyway.

The receptionist doesn't ask for an explanation when Colin asks for another bed's worth of blankets and pillows, and Colin's grateful enough to tip the guy who delivers them twice what he normally would. It's a lot of bedding, but Colin remembers the tower of pillows and blankets and towels from last night, and he's honestly not sure it's going to be enough. It'll be a good start, he decides and if they need more, he'll call Gabe and get him to gather the sheets off of other people's spare beds. He'd probably be thrilled to actually be able to help out.

It's not long after that when the water shuts off, and a few minutes later, Philipp comes ambling out. His hair is wet and he's in the pajamas, and Colin can't tell if he actually washed himself off in the shower or if he just stood under the water, but he makes the executive decision to call it good enough. "Hey, look," Colin says, gesturing to the bed. "I got us more blankets."

Philipp's face breaks into a brilliant smile, and Colin can't help but smile back at him. He steps to the side so Philipp can inspect the goods, and he's somehow not expecting Philipp to catch him and pull him into a hug. It's a nice, strong hug, and Philipp sways them from side to side a little before letting him.

Colin smiles at him again. "I'm gonna shower," he says, pointing to himself and then the bathroom, then gesturing at the bedding. "You do the bed thing, and when I'm done, we'll get some nice cuddle time in, okay?"

Philipp makes the happy sound, and then pushes Colin towards the bathroom. Colin goes, laughing, and makes quick work out of showering and getting ready for bed. Philipp's toothbrush is wet beside the sink, Colin notes when he's brushing his own teeth, so he won't have to drag him back in here for that. Hopefully they can just lay in bed and put the television on or something.

He's just leaving the bathroom when there's a knock at the door. He turns, ready to open it, but Philipp's between him and the door in an instant, standing tall, shoulders tense.

"Hey," Colin says gently. "It's probably one of the guys. A teammate. It's okay, Philipp. Let me see who it is."

Philipp makes another new noise, this one low and sounding kind of dangerous. He doesn't move a muscle.

"Who's there?" Colin calls. "We're having a little bit of a standoff in here, but if he knows who you are he might chill."

"It's me," he hears. "Gabe. I'm just checking in."

The change is pretty much instant; Philipp's shoulders drop, and he steps to the side. He opens the door, peeking out like he's confirming Gabe is who he says he is, and then he pulls the door open all the way.

"Hi," Gabe says cautiously. "Everything good here?"

"I think so," Colin confirms. He looks at Philipp, who seems to be back to his normal happy-enough self. "That was new and kind of terrifying."

"Can I come in?" Gabe asks, looking at Philipp. "I'm not here to stay, Grubs. I just want to see how you guys are doing, and then I'll leave."

Philipp looks at Colin, and Colin gives him what he hopes is an encouraging smile. It works well enough, because Philipp steps to the side, holding the door open. Colin walks back into the room, because there really isn't space for three hockey players in the doorway to one small hotel room, and he bites his lip to keep from laughing when he finally catches sight of the nest on the bed. It's piled high near the window, like a wall between the world and where they'll be sleeping, and the sheets are turned down incredibly precisely. Colin wants to tell Philipp how great it is, but he's not sure if that's the kind of thing you do in front of someone else, so instead he pretends it's a regular bed and turns back to Gabe.

"We ate, we're clean, we're gonna put something on TV and get some sleep," he says, spreading his hands. "All's good here, Cap. How was team dinner?"

"Good," Gabe says slowly. He's clearly surveying the bed situation, and Colin can pretty much see him deciding not to ask. "Do you need, like, more… blankets?"

Colin shrugs, turning to Philipp. He gestures at the bed. "Is it good, or do you need more?"

Philipp hums, walking over to pat at the bed. He turns so he's standing next to Colin, then reaches over and tangles their fingers together, but he doesn't give any indication as to what that means.

"I think we're good," Colin says. "I mean, I'm guessing, but I think I'm guessing right."

Gabe laughs. "Well, if you need more, I'll bring them up," he says, confirming what Colin had been thinking earlier. "Other than that, have a good night, I guess?"

"We'll try," Colin says, squeezing back when Philipp squeezes his hand. "Hopefully he'll be back soon."

Gabe nods. "I hope so, or Frankie's gonna have a hell of a time," he says. He turns to look at Philipp. "But it'll be okay if that happens, got it? We want you back, but take your time if you need it. We just want you to be better."

Philipp makes a low sort of noise, and Colin looks over at him expecting a frown, but instead he looks… happy, Colin decides. Not the full-on beaming smile, but happy.

"Thanks," Colin says, hoping he's translating it right. "For that, and for stopping by."

"No problem," Gabe says easily. "Have a good night, guys."

"Will do," Colin says as Gabe walks out. Once the door is closed, he turns to Philipp. "So. Ready for bed?"

Philipp grins at him before toppling backwards into the bed, and Colin bounces right down beside him, laughing.

-0-

The first thing that Colin notices when he wakes up is that the blanket wall had fallen over on top of them at some point in the night, which means that he's way too warm for anything like comfort, because Philipp is wrapped around him like an octopus and he throws a lot of heat.

The second is that Philipp is murmuring something in German and petting at Colin's hair, so at least Colin's not gonna have to worry about having to wake him up.

"Hey," he says, wriggling a little to try to get onto his back. "It's warm in here, Philipp. D'you think we can ditch some of the blankets, or do you want to chill in the nest for a little while longer?"

It's not until Colin finishes talking that he realises that Philipp stopped petting his hair as soon as Colin started moving, and that he stopped talking, too. He's looking down at Colin now, face more guarded than it's been in days, and they're still close enough together that Colin can feel him take a deep breath and let it out all at once.

"I don't think we can chill in here, with how hot it is," Philipp says quietly, and Colin jerks.

"You're back?" he asks, feeling the smile break across his face. His arm feels like it's weighed down under about a hundred pounds of blankets, but he manages to get it around Philipp's waist so he can give him the best hug he can pull off in bed. "You're back!"

Philipp makes a sound that Colin can absolutely identify as surprised. "I'm back," he agrees, petting almost hesitantly at Colin's hair again. "How long was I out?"

"Two days," Colin says. "You zoned out after the Jets game, and we're in San Jose. We play the Sharks tonight."

"Two days?" Philipp asks. They're still clinging to each other, and Colin's not sure why neither one of them is moving, except that it's comfortable even with how it's too hot, tangled up together in bed. "That's all?"

"That's all," Colin confirms. "Man, everybody's gonna be thrilled. We should probably call around, let Coach and Socks and everybody know that you're back."

Philipp hums. "Two days," he says again. "It's never—this has happened twice before, and it was much longer both times."

Colin pulls back a little, partially because he wants to see if Philipp's expression actually gives him any clue as to what's going on here, and partially because the heat is getting a little unbearable. "How long?" he asks. 

"Eight days and then ten," Philipp says. "While I was in DC."

Colin blinks. "Whoa. Why so short this time, then?"

Philipp turns so he's laying on his back. "I don't know for sure," he says slowly.

"But you have a guess," Colin says.

"I have a guess," Philipp agrees. "How long did it take me to find you?"

"Not long," Colin says, shrugging. "A few minutes, maybe. You wanted nothing to do with EJ or Gabe, and then we got Socks in the room, and then you were standing in front of me."

"I didn't have anyone like that, in DC," Philipp says, voice kind of quiet. "Braden took me home with him, because he knew what was going on and how to handle it, but I didn't… there was nobody there who I wanted to be with above anyone else."

Colin feels his heart clench in his chest. "I'm sorry," he says. He pushes the blankets down so it's easier to find Philipp's hand, and he laces their fingers together without really thinking about it, squeezing it gently. "I'm sorry you didn't have that before."

"It happens, sometimes," Philipp says, turning his head to smile briefly. "It was fine; it just lasts for longer when you don't have a connection to someone, something to help bring you back."

"Yeah," Colin says, because that makes sense. he clears his throat a little. "So, uh. Why me?"

Philipp laughs and turns his face back towards the ceiling. "Because you're you."

"I had to be, everyone else was taken," Colin replies, squeezing Philipp's hand again when he huffs out a laugh. "You don't have to tell me. I'm just glad you're back."

Philipp lets out the same exact frustrated noise he had when Colin hadn't gotten the hand-holding thing on the plane, and then he turns and presses his lips to Colin's, firm pressure for a second before he pulls away. His face is bright red, but he doesn't look away.

"Oh," Colin says, and it's—he's not blindsided, not exactly, but he hadn't really been expecting it, either. Just because something is a possibility that he's thought of before doesn't mean he'd thought it was something that could or would happen. "That's—oh."

Philipp smiles a little. "You asked."

"I did," Colin agrees. "That's—not that I don't believe you, but really?"

"Really," Philipp confirms. "You're a good person. You are kind, and funny, and charming even when you're tired, or when we're losing. You're good to be around, and I like that. I like you."

"Oh," Colin says again. He can feel his face flushing; he's probably as red as Philipp is. "That's… wow."

"Thank you for taking care of me," Philipp says. "And if that's all you're in for, I understand. You don't have to feel the same way."

Colin laughs. "I don't know how I feel," he says, because honesty is the best policy, always has been and always will be. "Can I… can I get back to you on that?"

"Of course," Philipp agrees. "And we should probably get up, yes? Call Coach and Socks and Gabe."

"We should," Colin says. "And hey, Philipp?"

"What?" Philipp replies, smiling back when Colin smiles at him.

"It's good to have you back," Colin says, because it's something he's sure about right now.

"It's good to be back, Colin," Philipp says, still smiling as he squeezes Colin's hand.

-0-

Philipp is cleared to play; he was always going to be the backup in this game, so he sits on the bench and cheers them all on, clapping Frankie on the back encouragingly after the game sort of goes to shit and they lose. He endures the mostly gentle chirping about his ill-timed nest from the rest of the guys, and it feels like they're back to business as usual, except.

Except Colin's attention keeps catching on the edge of Philipp's smile, the way his laugh fills up the space around him, the way he jokes around with G and Soda and Nemo. Nothing he's doing is new or unfamiliar, but the feelings blooming in Colin's chest when he sees it are, and Colin's way too old to be lying to himself about things like this. He's thinking about what Philipp said, sure, and he's thinking about slotting himself into Philipp's life, about Philipp keeping a place in his. It makes the feelings in his chest grow, and this thing that hadn't really crossed Colin's mind until this morning suddenly seems tantalizingly, impossibly attainable, and Colin—

"Hey," he says when most of the guys have cleared out. He's lingering, btu he's got the feeling Philipp is too. "Sit with me on the bus?"

"I can do that," Philipp says. He reaches out like he's going to take Colin's hand, but he pauses, lets his arm fall back to his side. "Give me a moment to speak with Frankie."

"I'll save you a seat," Colin promises. He shoots Frankie a smile; he's still learning, and he's gonna be a great goalie once he gets a little more confidence and some more games under his belt. And he'll have Philipp as a mentor, which Colin's pretty sure means he'll be a great person, too.

The walk to the bus is quick; they're flying back to Denver tonight so they have more time at home to prepare for the Calgary series, and most of the guys seem pretty eager to get back and sleep in their own beds. Colin can't blame them at all, except there's part of him that's wondering if his bed might have someone else in it, or if he'll maybe be in a new bedroom tonight. He's getting ahead of himself and he knows it, but it's sort of what his mind does once he's settled on a course of action; he doesn't know how to keep himself from half-dreaming about possibilities, wondering what might come true and what might not. He doesn't really want to make himself stop, if he's being honest, especially not when it's something he's this particular combination of nervous for and excited about.

Most of the guys are in their normal seats, but when Colin glances around, he sees that Nietsy is in Philipp's normal seat next to Calvy. He waves when he notices Colin looking, then points towards the back of the bus. Sure enough, there's an empty row of seats where he and Nietsy normally sit, and Colin smiles as he slides in to sit beside the window. Apparently there's something to the Matts sticking together; he'll have to make sure to stoke that particular fire with Josty later.

Philipp sits beside him a few minutes later, and there's nothing hesitant about the smile he gives Colin. "I just wanted to reassure him," he says, glancing up to where Frankie is jostling with Barbs. "It's a little odd that I think of him like a kid, maybe, because he's older than I am, but…"

"I'm sure he appreciates it," Colin says. "And you've been around in the league for longer than he has. You've got advice he can use, I'm sure."

"I hope so," Philipp says as the bus starts moving. "You wanted to sit with me?"

"I did," Colin says. "I do. I've been thinking."

"Anything but that," Philipp says, but it's gentle, softer still for the smile he pairs it with. "I don't have to ask what about."

"You don't," Colin says. He hesitates, but only for a second, and then he lays his hand on Philipp's thigh, palm up. It's as much of a request as he knows how to make on a bus this crowded, but thankfully Philipp understands that, because he quickly takes Colin's hand and squeezes it like they've been doing these past few days.

"We should have a conversation," Philipp says, but there's something like joy on his face. "So we both know what's going on here, and what could happen."

Colin nods. "We should," he says. "Tomorrow, probably, since we won't have practice, and we should talk before we get too busy to."

"Tomorrow," Philipp agrees. "But tonight…"

"Tonight I want to sit with you on the plane," Colin says. "And I want to keep holding your hand, and tell you about the thing you did when Gabe tried to come in the room last night, and I want to follow you home after we land and see what it's like to sleep in the same bed as you without a thousand blankets in it."

Philipp laughs. "I still have a lot of blankets," he warns. "Not quite as many as last night, though."

"I'd like to find out," Colin says. "If that's something you want."

"It is," Philipp replies. "All of it."

"Good," Colin says, and it feels like his smile is breaking his face a little, but he doesn't want to try to stop it. "That's good. I'm glad."

"I'm glad, as well," Philipp says, and he squeezes Colin's hand where it's sitting on his lap.

Colin feels his smile soften; for all that they're surrounded by their teammates, something about the way they're sitting makes it feel like this is something just for them, something private. Colin doesn't really think about it, just leans in until his head is resting on Philipp's shoulder, and Philipp rests his head gently on Colin's. He closes his eyes and hears Philipp starts to hum a familiar, gentle two-note melody.

Colin smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> -and they lived softly ever after, as you'd expect.
> 
> -follow me on twitter for meltdowns about avs at random times! it's always crying about avs hours on my twitter. (let me know who you are; i don't accept random follower requests!)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] You know, I would just stay still](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19077037) by [Annapods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annapods/pseuds/Annapods)




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